INTRODUCTION TO SEASON 2 - EPISODE 6
FEARS AND WORRIES
Sometimes the questions that I would ask myself is why do I have to worry or afraid that I will fall for someone. Is it because of how it will hurt if this does not work? And if that is the reason, why do I keep letting myself go with it?
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All these moments are normally a build-up. I observed that these timelines are repeated throughout the 3 periods which I mentioned earlier. In the book, I had divided into 3 sections separated by symbols in the 3 illustrations. Such as rollercoasters that signify the Universal Studio visit, the infinity pool that signifies the night we had at Marina Bay Sands and also the morning at the pool and etc etc.
Recently, I read through my diary which I wrote in 2007 to 2010. And I realized there is a pattern that I always go through. You can check this pattern in YouTube which I had made into an explainer video. In case you guys can relate to it.
That feeling and thinking which coincides with each other wondering what these are. Because for me yes, I have these feelings before but this time the physical attraction is way beyond normal. There is something else which I have never wanted from those I had crushed with or interested in. During that 2013 phase, I couldn’t understand in which I will talk about this more in the upcoming episodes what is this something peculiar.
We have to go back to the main factor. Which is fear. Have you guys experienced this before? The feelings are too heavy in your heart that it becomes something else. My maximum patience during that time was when she started talking about her ex-boyfriend. And that time she was single and divorced with a kid. So, when she started to say that, I knew that this feeling I was having is one-sided. And that was when my worries became more extreme that I realized I nearly have my 2 feet in the door, and I need to go back. But at that time, I couldn’t because part of me was still with her.
First is always that uncontrollable thoughts that I always have when I feel like I am into it especially in this kind of relationship. I have no idea what is that at first. But then when subsequently, over the years I learnt about myself, I knew then what this is. It is a feeling that I cannot express and so it is bottled up. When I have secured it over time, at any point of time it will explode. Over the years I managed to keep it in my two litre bottle but as of recent I just couldn’t anymore.
Initially I was wondering why. I couldn’t in 2 occasions including this. And I had the courage to express it for the first one and the second one too. Both in writing just so you know because I am not really good at talking about it. Because I don’t know how to, and I will forget what I want to say. And also, I have no courage to tell it out loud.
I mean like I expect that the person could read me. You expect people could read you. Like everything I did in action are so obvious. In this book, if I remember correctly, I have mentioned that I started to be worried I guess about 5 to 6 times throughout the years. And these times are some of the moments that when she shows her attraction towards me or attention, I will start to get worried. And then when she doesn’t, I will be jealous. I am not sure whether this is normal. But yes, this was what happened.
I guess the climax was when I decided to distance myself from her when I feel like she is not interested in me in the way I did towards her. And instead of getting myself dive too deep into this, I was worried I couldn’t get out from whatever this is like usually I did. Maybe because of that, I had to find the reasons to leave. But also apart from that, I really really couldn’t control my feelings this time. Actually, this is the first time in my life that I cried because of someone who make me feel this way. Like I said, I have feelings for those before but I have never shed tears for anyone. I didn’t get moody. I didn’t have no appetite. I didn’t stare into blank space. I didn’t feel like my throat is choke when listening to songs like Driver’s License, Cardigan and Surrender. I have no idea why this time is so different. By the way, listen to Driver’s License by Olivia Rodrigo. This is one of the best songs in my life apart from Taylor Swift. It is one of the epic songs which I can listen on repeat.
Over the years, for myself, I have developed my self-esteem which for me is important because apart from me being in this line of coaching people to grow their personality, I knew since then that this will be an essential armour in my life. One thing I am sure that even though I was afraid, worried, or jealous, I am glad it doesn’t affect inside of me. Meaning that I am glad it did not make me feel down about myself, hate myself or even blame myself.
I mean since you guys are listening to this, I would like to insert some words of motivation too if you are struggling to overcome certain challenges in your life. Because I have read and listened to stories and I would understand why situations could demotivate people to pursue their life because of relationships.
What I did was I let myself feel whatever I wanted to feel after I said to her about my overwhelming feelings. That took about 2 to 3 weeks maybe 4 weeks. I couldn’t deny that throughout those weeks, it hurts. I feel really not good like no appetite and all because of that overwhelming feelings I feel. The jealousy is no longer there actually. It was only for a moment that triggered my decision. That is it which is expected because I seldom feel jealous. Sometimes, frankly I have to train myself to feel jealous hahahha because I feel like a rock if I don’t.
Then, what I did was I kept writing my feelings on my diary. And also expressed my feelings in social media where none of my friends are in my friends’ list like tumblr, tiktok and twitter. Oh before I forget. I have never not updated my status in social media since I am in it for the past 13 years, but Harry had suggested to me to not check my social media on the first week of this incident. Because I kept checking her status and updates. I mean so far it was really great. It has been 3 months and I am still not log in to my Facebook and Instagram account. It makes a lot of difference. Just out of the zone of not knowing what is going on is so much difference. And so far I am okay with it. But remember, I am still login into my personal private twitter, tumblr and tiktok where no one knows me and I will always have a good laugh whenever I need it. Means I am still in socializing mode but selectively. If you find it difficult to do that try this kind of method. Because sometimes when we are in the disappointment or upset mode, find ways to entertain yourself. You have to remember that there are other things in life apart from this.
Basically, these are some ways that I did in practice if in case you need some motivation to overcome similar situations. It is okay I guess to be worried as long as not excessive whenever we feel something towards someone we are interested in. I guess it is also okay to be afraid because if you like a person and it is against your culture, religion or law, I mean you have to decide this yourself. I am actually not even worried or afraid of those but more afraid of how I feel towards the person. I was worried that if she doesn’t feel the same way, it will hurt and break my heart. So, now based on what happened, frankly I did not feel anything at all after telling her how I feel and I didn’t even ask her how she feels towards me because I feel like at this point, her actions after I told her is actually the answer to it, it is like the closure.
But I was surprised that I did not feel anything. I was expecting that I will cry, or like will have no appetite like that time before I wrote that letter so at least I can cut down on the food I have eaten, but I didn’t. But but buttt… okay I cannot continue in this episode because that will be on another chapter and does not suit the title of this episode. Okay I will talk to you again shortly. Click Next!
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TRAILER - Letters of a Thousand Speeches by S.Sulianah
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