INTRODUCTION TO SEASON 2 - BONUS EPISODE
COMMON QUESTIONS EPISODES ABOUT MY WLW EXPERIENCE This bonus episode answers the common questions regarding WLW over the years. This podcast episode is brought to you by Winter Scribbler Publishing. Where reality and imagination turn into delicate harmony of scripts and illustrations. Visit www.winterscribbler.com for collections of books, poetry and graphics by diverse talents of artists and writers. Hi Everyone. Welcome back to this extra episode. I decided to make this additional episode because there are some questions that were asked by listeners and people who have been asking me similar questions throughout the years. These questions are related to WLW theme for sure. Other than the WLW questions, you can listen to another podcast of mine for questions related to interpersonal skills, building self-esteem and personality development. Okay, let us go straight to the first question. This question is from a listener. “Why don’t you tell more about how you come out of the closet?” First of all, I did not officially come out. Basically, I don’t intend to. Like I had said all this while that it took me years to realized plus admitting to myself that I prefer women in terms of in romantic relationship. I am attracted to women more than men. Yeah, I can say I am attracted to good looking men. Like if for instance if you ask me whether that guy is good looking or handsome, I will tell you my opinion. But in terms of associating myself with them including celebrities that we fancied, I don’t. If you see my social media account, the celebrities that I will update in my status are 100% women like Cate Blanchett, Katie McGrath, Taylor Swift, Anna Kendrick and many more. I have been doing that for years, and it is up to people which includes my friends to interpret whatever they have in mind. The only people who knew about this are my ex-colleagues who are now considered my friends. We all knew each other for about 13 years, spent time together every day 9 to 6pm. And we talked about many things both ways whatever we are comfortable with. When I first told them that too was like coincidence in a joking manner. That was like after 10 years of knowing them. That was when one of them, Harry, you guys know Harry. He came to my room casually teasing me about something. We were talking about that one guy who was in 23rd floor of our office building. He was like a subject for discussion since I told him and some of my ex-colleagues. We normally create scenarios teasing each other related to him. Then that day, I casually told Harry, and another colleague of ours who was also there. I said, why you kept talking about guys to me. What if I am not interested in guys. What if I am actually interested in women. Something like that. If I remember correctly. Cos the only thing I remembered after that was Harry screaming with happiness and so do the other colleague of mine. It is like they don’t care. Since then, I have never talked about the guys with them, but about the ladies I met. By the way I did told a few of my other ex-colleagues whom I was closed with, which was also like casual. I told them the story of how I told Harry. And then it is just automatically telling them about my inclination. And I did asked them personally, u okay right? Then they replied. Yah why not. Another funny thing is when the colleague who was listening initially, after 2 years later, she said to me, actually I still think that you were joking until I told her recently about the story with my ex-classmates from university when I was taking my Masters. At that time, during the dinner when one of them conducted a game and the questions she asked were so direct like, “What is a secret that you have never told anyone before?” And then 2 of my classmates who are ladies said they kissed a girl before. And then subsequent questions like, “If you have the chance to sleep with your classmate of the same gender, who would you sleep with?” I didn’t reply to that question. I tried to get away by talking to a classmate of mine who was beside me, but I was so daring to tell one of my guy classmates after the game about my answer. First I asked him whether he is interested to know who was in my mind. Then when he said yes who? Then I told him the one including the reasons why her. Because she is mysterious, smart and charming. He even told me that, “If you want to know her more, I can setup a lunch or coffee date for you.” Anyway, he was and still is one of my favourite classmates. So, basically, officially, I only told 7 of my ex-colleagues, 1 Canadian girl whom I used to hangout with, the girl in Letters of a Thousand Speeches, Taylor Swift and other people in the world in social media and YouTube. And like I said I don’t intend to come out. Why should I? Is that even necessary? For me my life is mine and if I don’t bother yours, give me space. Second question is, “Before this, are there any girls who ever flirt with you?” hahahaa this is actually very funny. There were, actually but I only realized it 10 years later. I am not kidding. Those common pickup lines they used but I didn’t noticed it because at that time my brain was trying to function as straight as possible so anything that is not straight, I didn’t even think about it. Like I will conclude it as it is a common question. I have a few examples which I am gonna share it here. Well, I created this podcast for these reasons. Happened in the lift, twice. One time was at my old office building. Normally, I saw this woman, abit older than me at that time, and usually we will greet each other good morning etc. Then one time when it was just the two of us in the lift, she asked me whether I have a boyfriend. I replied No. Then, she asked how about a girlfriend. Then I laughed. Hahaha no. This was like 14 years ago story. The reply, No is fine. But with hahaha means I was trying to tell her hey, hello why asked like that one. Then another time was a stranger in one of the lifts in town area. It was just a casual chat and same question, and of course also the same reply from me with the Nooo hahahaha. Then years years ago, about 2 decades ago when I was taking my diploma. I know most of my schoolmates in the same faculty doesn’t matter what courses because at that time we all had to undergo an attachment in school so we are all mixed with schoolmates from different business courses. And one day, outside the computer lab room, while me and my group of friends were waiting to enter the class, one of the girls I know, she came and said hi to me and chat with me. But she was standing like so close. Like so so close where there is no space to put another foot between us, and I was literally pinned to the wall. We talked for a moment and then she asked me whether I would like to go out for a coffee with her some day. And of course, at that time, I said yes sure but in my heart I was like huhhhh what coffee? And after she left, my group of friends asked me who is that. And after I told them someone I know, I also told them that she stood so close to me I couldn’t breathe. Listen, at that time, I remember I have 2 things playing in my mind. I really couldn’t breathe because it was too close. Never happened to me like that before. And secondly, I don’t know why, I was worried how that interaction was perceived by my group of friends. I was like I don’t want them to think something else. And thinking about it now, why do I even have that kind of thinking if it was nothing isn’t it? As of recent, I have a classmate from my uni did used the same line. She said maybe after this we should go out and have a coffee together. Another one asked me to join her for a drink one night. These ones hmmm is abit confusing. Although they both are the ones I was attracted to but I assumed those are just like casual lines like to continue our friendship after our graduation. Yeah so these lines I am not sure. But these same two people are the ones who I normally flirt around with in class. I mentioned them in earlier episodes. Next question! “Do you think any of your friends know about your preference for women not men in this romantic relationship?” I don’t have any idea exactly. And I don’t intend to ask them. Anyway, I have very small group of close friends. So far the ones that I am really really comfortable with are like 3 of them apart from Harry and my other ex-colleagues. So, 2 of them were my classmates from university when I was taking my bachelor degree and the other one is Friya. I knew Friya through my ex-colleague from the company when I was working as Sales. I mentioned her in earlier episode too. Out of these 3, I feel like Friya knows but she is smart enough to ask me questions in a different way to know the truth. But all are indirect questions which I am aware of. Questions that are not too direct and she does it with sense of sensitivity. These 3 are those that I am most comfortable with to talk about things that are about different perspectives, maybe because they know that I am the type who dislike questions like when are you getting married, or giving statements like it is time for you to get married with a not joking tone or wear a dress or telling me what to do and what to dress in. I guess they are smart enough to know that if ever they said that or not accepting me as who I am, I will not hesitate to leave when it is time. It is not difficult to differentiate or identify this within your group of friends. Open your eyes and heart and you will see. Sometimes, if anyone says that to me, I might reply like as if I could take your joke. But normally I don’t. And if it is too much negativity, I will wait for the best time then I will leave. Mostly with the tone of voice, vibe and energy when you are around people, you can know and who you feel comfortable with to tell it all. But I will not tell them anything until I have a girlfriend. One day, when it is time, I will. This includes my family. But if they already found out about my podcast and listening to this, well Helloooo! The fourth question. “Are there any reasons why you do not intend to tell anyone about this?” Okay, just so you know if I didn’t mention this earlier. I have only consciously aware about my preference like five or maybe 8 years ago. But only able to fully embrace it like 2 or 3 years ago. I don’t plan to tell my friends who I hangout with is because based on my observations and questions I asked throughout my friendship with them what kind of remarks and tone they give for people who are gays or lesbians. Personally, I don’t mind if they don’t accept me as a friend anymore. I really don’t mind. I am the type who socialize just for the sake of socializing and that is it. And my trademark is normally that I don’t share personal related stories to even my closest friends. Even if I do, it is not the deeper side of me. I let them see what I want them to see. So, it will also be based on their own observations and analysis. So far, out of my closest friends, Friya is more open. And like I said I feel like she already knows. And of course Harry, and my ex-colleagues, they are open. We influenced each other in different ways. Next Question “How do you hide your identity?” If you mean recently, I don’t hide anymore. I just show it all. Last time, I don’t think I hide it. I was like for sure not really sure so it is basically not really hiding. Now, like I don’t even care if someone is observing me and my actions. For example, recently I was at a friend’s wedding and was seated beside one of my classmates, the other girl whom I always talk about. She and me has some kind of connection in comparison to with her other classmates. I did mentioned her standing very the close to me in a school event. The one very obvious behaviour. Just the two us enjoying in the middle of that restaurant while our other alumni are in groups chatting. So, throughout that wedding whenever I talked to her, I purposely whisper like specifically my attention was on her. And at one point when I whisper to her ear, I really speak so close that my lips touches her hair. Just so you know, this is not the first time when I am with her that I did this. Sometimes when we hugged, I will kiss her head at the side. Usually I was like abit observant with the surrounding. But this time, I don’t care. There were like 6 other girls at the table. I have no idea why I don’t care what they think compared to the usual as in if this happened 5 yrs ago, I will avoid being so touchy or flirty. And throughout that afternoon, it is like there is a magnet between us. So, everytime I sit straight back again because most of the time I was leaning towards her and my arms behind her chair. So everytime I moved back to my seat properly, she will lean her body towards me. So did mine. So, basically that is the recent adventures of me not hiding myself. Actually right, with my classmates from my masters class, since one of my classmates asked me that question about my preference, I started to not hide myself from them. Even with this classmate who asked me that question, although I didn’t give her the answer but was laughing about it instead. I feel she knows the answer because she is one of the smartest and observant people I know and why would she asked me that question out of nowhere, right? One good thing about this classmate of mine was that she was still physically close to me. A number of times we just entangled our arms and hold each other while sitting in the middle of our friends. She is charming though. The sweet and clever type but can be intimidating. I was always intimidated when with her. Not the intimidating that I hate her kind of intimidating. This is tthe one which is always mentioned in fanfiction and Wattpad. So, I don’t think she mind who I am. She made me feel free to just be myself. Next Question - “How do you feel after releasing this podcast?” Creating this podcast is like taking a big risk. So, I don’t want to control the external anymore other than myself. At first I was worried to create this. Especially the genre and the topic. It is basically outing myself. My brain was like what if your friends find out about this. Then the book Masterpiece in Your Heart, those poems except were all actually about the women I was attracted to. None about any guys. I mean like I didn’t use gender pronouns so not my fault if they assume otherwise. Then after created the podcast and publish it, automatically it seems like I don’t mind. Like I don’t really care now who listens. I write about it and even linked my name in the search engine optimization with this podcast. I wrote about it in my blogs, my youtube and even my social media. I feel more like proud of my achievement instead. This is like one way for me to release my suppressed opinions and feelings apart from using it to promote my books and writings. Recording myself speaking and listening to it while editing, this is the last thing I wanted to do not because of the contents but because I was uncomfortable listening to my own voice and watch myself in video. So how did I ended up doing it anyway? Okay I will tell you why I feel uncomfortable in the first place. Years ago, I was interviewed by a radio station for the services I provided that is on handwriting analysis. When I listened to it back, I hated it so much like my voice specifically. Like why did I sounded that way? Hahahah But when I asked my friend, Friya, she said no it was fine. I guess probably people are used to listening to our voice but not us. When I created this idea to make a podcast, it was to make my published book visible in the market. So that was the intention. And to share the backstory of my first book was actually very important to me. I don’t know why. It is like I don’t tell my friends about myself and the writings but I don’t mind telling the whole world what it is about. So, how I overcome that uncomfortable feeling? I wrote this in my blog. A friend whom I know when I was taking a course at Harvard Business School was somewhat the final motivation for me. I requested him to listen to the recorded episode 1 and comment on it professionally. I trusted him on this is because we have not met before and any feedbacks he wants to give will not be awkward for him. He doesn’t know my personality so it will be on a natural point of view. And also because he has been running his own podcasts, and producing 6 podcasts now so basically in terms of technicality, he is the right person. So, when he listened to my first episode and of all the feedbacks that he mentioned, the only problem was the echo issue. Which means where I recorded my voice. It is not even about my voice or the subject I am discussing about. He even said that my concept is actually unique and I managed to differentiate my tone of voice between reading a poem and talking about the contents. Well, that was like a fully throttle motivation for me. I am not kidding when I said I was quite demotivated after recording the 1st episode wondering whether should I continue, giving myself excuses like my office room is not soundproof so my office neighbours could listen and all that shit. When I realized that those are excuses I created for myself to avoid putting my plans into actions, immediately I find alternatives to solve that issue. And here I am in a podcast studio not my office talking to you. I feel like most of the time, we have to fight off our own negative mindset. And if anyone around you that you feel will not support your plans which are nothing detrimental, it is better to keep it to yourself. Cos for me, it is so challenging to fight off my own negative thinking and I don’t need another inputs from someone else to bring me down. So that is how I normally solved my problems and putting my plans into actions. By the way, I will be releasing the 1st episode of another podcast of mine. A different genre and concept. That is more towards the science of handwriting analysis, more motivational, ways to grow your personality and putting plans into actions. Look for The Grapholistic Podcast. It will be broadcasted by end of June 2021. Next question - “What is your plan in terms of publishing the 3rd book?” I amworking on something now but it will not be on poetry. Harry requested me to write a novel. But I told him that urghhh I tried to write but it just doesn’t work at the moment. Explaining something which is fictional especially expressing feelings and only based on my imagination is abit challenging for me in comparison to writing poems which are mainly what is happening. However, I have started working on my current project. This time it will be more graphic that is a comic. More to romance genre in a fictional city. I am looking forward to producing this because the storyline has been in my imagination for years. Before I sleep, or whenever I couldn’t sleep these imaginations will always have a playback at the back of mind. Currently I am getting an illustrator to collaborate on this comic. Probably the first issue will be out by end of June/July 2021. I am also looking forward to make a short film without the need to invest so much money on it. I have started to write the script too for this. I will keep you guys updated in my website or YouTube whenever there is any latest release. Next question. “The ending of the Letters of a Thousand Speeches is very sad. Do you manage to overcome those feelings?” Oh yes. At the end. This is like the 4th month. And it works well so far. Although it was abit challenging in the beginning which I let it be. It took me about 2 to 3 weeks to fully resetting memories and justifying my decisions. But the funny thing is that I didn’t feel as overwhelmed like before I wrote the letters. I didn’t cry. I thought I will be angry, but I didn’t. Yes, so far considered I am good. But remember that this takes a lot of courage that is to prioritize yourself first. In case if you can identify that I sounded emotionless in my podcast episodes in Season 2 when I was explaining, it is because I was in the middle of handling myself and neutralizing how I feel so basically when I am trying to forget something, I want to make sure that I remove the emotion out of it. To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, it is now available in Amazon. If you buy directly from our website, you will be getting the book at a better price. Also, our book release Gift Box is now available only in our website. It will consist of tea, coffee, biscuits, handmade pineapple tarts and chocolates. We look forward that you will read this book while drinking a Cappuccino. Alright guys. I am gonna end this episode here. To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, it is now available in Amazon, Barnes and Nobles and other online bookstores. If you purchase directly from our website (www.winterscribbler.com), you will be getting the book at a better rate. Currently, we have a gift box which is called the book release package is already available for purchase in our website. For the live recording of this podcast, pls visit ourYouTube channel Winter Scribbler. The link to the video and the episode transcript is available in our website. To support us in creating more contents, be our patron and receive additional benefits with your membership such as free books from our publishing company, behind the scenes episodes, tutorials and many other benefits linked to our sister company, Grapholistic International. For the live video recording of this podcast, pls visit our YouTube channel - Winter Scribbler Publishing. The link to the video and the episode transcript is available in our website. To support us, be our patron and receive additional benefits with your membership such as free books from our publishing company, behind the scenes episodes, tutorials and many other benefits linked to our sister company, Grapholistic International. I will take a break for this season and will keep you updated for any new episodes in the next season. Meanwhile, do check out my podcast Grapholistic Podcast in late June 2021. Thank you for listening to my contents. Take good care of yourself. Bye. To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, visit Amazon.com or www.winterscribbler.com You can also contact us for any feedbacks and questions at winterscribbler @ gmail.com TRAILER - Letters of a Thousand Speeches by S.Sulianah
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