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INTRODUCTION TO SEASON 2 - BONUS EPISODE
COMMON QUESTIONS EPISODES ABOUT MY WLW EXPERIENCE

This bonus episode answers the common questions regarding WLW over the years.​​

This podcast episode is brought to you by Winter Scribbler Publishing. Where reality and imagination turn into delicate harmony of scripts and illustrations. 
​​
Visit www.winterscribbler.com for collections of books, poetry and graphics by diverse talents of artists and writers. 
​​​

Hi Everyone. Welcome back to this extra episode. I decided to make this additional episode because there are some questions that were asked by listeners and people who have been asking me similar questions throughout the years.  These questions are related to WLW theme for sure. Other than the WLW questions, you can listen to another podcast of mine for questions related to interpersonal skills, building self-esteem and personality development.


Okay, let us go straight to the first question. This question is from a listener. “Why don’t you tell more about how you come out of the closet?” First of all, I did not officially come out. Basically, I don’t intend to.

Like I had said all this while that it took me years to realized plus admitting to myself that I prefer women in terms of in romantic relationship. I am attracted to women more than men. Yeah, I can say I am attracted to good looking men. Like if for instance if you ask me whether that guy is good looking or handsome, I will tell you my opinion. But in terms of associating myself with them including celebrities that we fancied, I don’t. If you see my social media account, the celebrities that I will update in my status are 100% women like Cate Blanchett, Katie McGrath, Taylor Swift, Anna Kendrick and many more. I have been doing that for years, and it is up to people which includes my friends to interpret whatever they have in mind.

The only people who knew about this are my ex-colleagues who are now considered my friends. We all knew each other for about 13 years, spent time together every day 9 to 6pm. And we talked about many things both ways whatever we are comfortable with. When I first told them that too was like coincidence in a joking manner. That was like after 10 years of knowing them.

That was when one of them, Harry, you guys know Harry. He came to my room casually teasing me about something. We were talking about that one guy who was in 23rd floor of our office building. He was like a subject for discussion since I told him and some of my ex-colleagues. We normally create scenarios teasing each other related to him. Then that day, I casually told Harry, and another colleague of ours who was also there. I said, why you kept talking about guys to me. What if I am not interested in guys. What if I am actually interested in women. Something like that. If I remember correctly. Cos the only thing I remembered after that was Harry screaming with happiness and so do the other colleague of mine. It is like they don’t care. Since then, I have never talked about the guys with them, but about the ladies I met. By the way I did told a few of my other ex-colleagues whom I was closed with, which was also like casual. I told them the story of how I told Harry. And then it is just automatically telling them about my inclination. And I did asked them personally, u okay right? Then they replied. Yah why not.

Another funny thing is when the colleague who was listening initially, after 2 years later, she said to me, actually I still think that you were joking until I told her recently about the story with my ex-classmates from university when I was taking my Masters. At that time, during the dinner when one of them conducted a game and the questions she asked were so direct like, “What is a secret that you have never told anyone before?” And then 2 of my classmates who are ladies said they kissed a girl before. And then subsequent questions like, “If you have the chance to sleep with your classmate of the same gender, who would you sleep with?” I didn’t reply to that question. I tried to get away by talking to a classmate of mine who was beside me, but I was so daring to tell one of my guy classmates after the game about my answer. First I asked him whether he is interested to know who was in my mind. Then when he said yes who? Then I told him the one including the reasons why her. Because she is mysterious, smart and charming. He even told me that, “If you want to know her more, I can setup a lunch or coffee date for you.” Anyway, he was and still is one of my favourite classmates.

So, basically, officially, I only told 7 of my ex-colleagues, 1 Canadian girl whom I used to hangout with, the girl in Letters of a Thousand Speeches, Taylor Swift and other people in the world in social media and YouTube. And like I said I don’t intend to come out. Why should I? Is that even necessary? For me my life is mine and if I don’t bother yours, give me space.

Second question is, “Before this, are there any girls who ever flirt with you?” hahahaa this is actually very funny. There were, actually but I only realized it 10 years later. I am not kidding. Those common pickup lines they used but I didn’t noticed it because at that time my brain was trying to function as straight as possible so anything that is not straight, I didn’t even think about it. Like I will conclude it as it is a common question.

I have a few examples which I am gonna share it here. Well, I created this podcast for these reasons. Happened in the lift, twice. One time was at my old office building. Normally, I saw this woman, abit older than me at that time, and usually we will greet each other good morning etc. Then one time when it was just the two of us in the lift, she asked me whether I have a boyfriend. I replied No. Then, she asked how about a girlfriend. Then I laughed. Hahaha no. This was like 14 years ago story. The reply, No is fine. But with hahaha means I was trying to tell her hey, hello why asked like that one. Then another time was a stranger in one of the lifts in town area. It was just a casual chat and same question, and of course also the same reply from me with the Nooo hahahaha. 

Then years years ago, about 2 decades ago when I was taking my diploma. I know most of my schoolmates in the same faculty doesn’t matter what courses because at that time we all had to undergo an attachment in school so we are all mixed with schoolmates from different business courses. And one day, outside the computer lab room, while me and my group of friends were waiting to enter the class, one of the girls I know, she came and said hi to me and chat with me. But she was standing like so close. Like so so close where there is no space to put another foot between us, and I was literally pinned to the wall. We talked for a moment and then she asked me whether I would like to go out for a coffee with her some day. And of course, at that time, I said yes sure but in my heart I was like huhhhh what coffee? And after she left, my group of friends asked me who is that. And after I told them someone I know, I also told them that she stood so close to me I couldn’t breathe. Listen, at that time, I remember I have 2 things playing in my mind. I really couldn’t breathe because it was too close. Never happened to me like that before. And secondly, I don’t know why, I was worried how that interaction was perceived by my group of friends. I was like I don’t want them to think something else. And thinking about it now, why do I even have that kind of thinking if it was nothing isn’t it?

As of recent, I have a classmate from my uni did used the same line. She said maybe after this we should go out and have a coffee together. Another one asked me to join her for a drink one night. These ones hmmm is abit confusing. Although they both are the ones I was attracted to but I assumed those are just like casual lines like to continue our friendship after our graduation. Yeah so these lines I am not sure. But these same two people are the ones who I normally flirt around with in class. I mentioned them in earlier episodes.

Next question! “Do you think any of your friends know about your preference for women not men in this romantic relationship?” I don’t have any idea exactly. And I don’t intend to ask them.

Anyway, I have very small group of close friends. So far the ones that I am really really comfortable with are like 3 of them apart from Harry and my other ex-colleagues. So, 2 of them were my classmates from university when I was taking my bachelor degree and the other one is Friya. I knew Friya through my ex-colleague from the company when I was working as Sales. I mentioned her in earlier episode too. Out of these 3, I feel like Friya knows but she is smart enough to ask me questions in a different way to know the truth. But all are indirect questions which I am aware of. Questions that are not too direct and she does it with sense of sensitivity. These 3 are those that I am most comfortable with to talk about things that are about different perspectives, maybe because they know that I am the type who dislike questions like when are you getting married, or giving statements like it is time for you to get married with a not joking tone or wear a dress or telling me what to do and what to dress in. I guess they are smart enough to know that if ever they said that or not accepting me as who I am, I will not hesitate to leave when it is time. It is not difficult to differentiate or identify this within your group of friends. Open your eyes and heart and you will see.

Sometimes, if anyone says that to me, I might reply like as if I could take your joke. But normally I don’t. And if it is too much negativity, I will wait for the best time then I will leave. Mostly with the tone of voice, vibe and energy when you are around people, you can know and who you feel comfortable with to tell it all. But I will not tell them anything until I have a girlfriend. One day, when it is time, I will. This includes my family. But if they already found out about my podcast and listening to this, well Helloooo!

The fourth question. “Are there any reasons why you do not intend to tell anyone about this?” Okay, just so you know if I didn’t mention this earlier. I have only consciously aware about my preference like five or maybe 8 years ago. But only able to fully embrace it like 2 or 3 years ago. I don’t plan to tell my friends who I hangout with is because based on my observations and questions I asked throughout my friendship with them what kind of remarks and tone they give for people who are gays or lesbians. Personally, I don’t mind if they don’t accept me as a friend anymore. I really don’t mind. I am the type who socialize just for the sake of socializing and that is it. And my trademark is normally that I don’t share personal related stories to even my closest friends. Even if I do, it is not the deeper side of me. I let them see what I want them to see. So, it will also be based on their own observations and analysis. So far, out of my closest friends, Friya is more open. And like I said I feel like she already knows. And of course Harry, and my ex-colleagues, they are open. We influenced each other in different ways.

Next Question “How do you hide your identity?” If you mean recently, I don’t hide anymore. I just show it all. Last time, I don’t think I hide it. I was like for sure not really sure so it is basically not really hiding. Now, like I don’t even care if someone is observing me and my actions. For example, recently I was at a friend’s wedding and was seated beside one of my classmates, the other girl whom I always talk about. She and me has some kind of connection in comparison to with her other classmates. I did mentioned her standing very the close to me in a school event. The one very obvious behaviour. Just the two us enjoying in the middle of that restaurant while our other alumni are in groups chatting. So, throughout that wedding whenever I talked to her, I purposely whisper like specifically my attention was on her. And at one point when I whisper to her ear, I really speak so close that my lips touches her hair. Just so you know, this is not the first time when I am with her that I did this. Sometimes when we hugged, I will kiss her head at the side. Usually I was like abit observant with the surrounding. But this time, I don’t care. There were like 6 other girls at the table. I have no idea why I don’t care what they think compared to the usual as in if this happened 5 yrs ago, I will avoid being so touchy or flirty. And throughout that afternoon, it is like there is a magnet between us. So, everytime I sit straight back again because most of the time I was leaning towards her and my arms behind her chair. So everytime I moved back to my seat properly, she will lean her body towards me. So did mine. So, basically that is the recent adventures of me not hiding myself. Actually right, with my classmates from my masters class, since one of my classmates asked me that question about my preference, I started to not hide myself from them. Even with this classmate who asked me that question, although I didn’t give her the answer but was laughing about it instead. I feel she knows the answer because she is one of the smartest and observant people I know and why would she asked me that question out of nowhere, right? One good thing about this classmate of mine was that she was still physically close to me. A number of times we just entangled our arms and hold each other while sitting in the middle of our friends. She is charming though. The sweet and clever type but can be intimidating. I was always intimidated when with her. Not the intimidating that I hate her kind of intimidating. This is tthe one which is always mentioned in fanfiction and Wattpad. So, I don’t think she mind who I am. She made me feel free to just be myself.

Next Question - “How do you feel after releasing this podcast?” Creating this podcast is like taking a big risk. So, I don’t want to control the external anymore other than myself. At first I was worried to create this. Especially the genre and the topic. It is basically outing myself. My brain was like what if your friends find out about this. Then the book Masterpiece in Your Heart, those poems except were all actually about the women I was attracted to. None about any guys. I mean like I didn’t use gender pronouns so not my fault if they assume otherwise. Then after created the podcast and publish it, automatically it seems like I don’t mind. Like I don’t really care now who listens. I write about it and even linked my name in the search engine optimization with this podcast. I wrote about it in my blogs, my youtube and even my social media.

I feel more like proud of my achievement instead. This is like one way for me to release my suppressed opinions and feelings apart from using it to promote my books and writings. Recording myself speaking and listening to it while editing, this is the last thing I wanted to do not because of the contents but because I was uncomfortable listening to my own voice and watch myself in video.

So how did I ended up doing it anyway? Okay I will tell you why I feel uncomfortable in the first place. Years ago, I was interviewed by a radio station for the services I provided that is on handwriting analysis. When I listened to it back, I hated it so much like my voice specifically. Like why did I sounded that way? Hahahah But when I asked my friend, Friya, she said no it was fine. I guess probably people are used to listening to our voice but not us.

When I created this idea to make a podcast, it was to make my published book visible in the market. So that was the intention. And to share the backstory of my first book was actually very important to me. I don’t know why. It is like I don’t tell my friends about myself and the writings but I don’t mind telling the whole world what it is about.

So, how I overcome that uncomfortable feeling? I wrote this in my blog. A friend whom I know when I was taking a course at Harvard Business School was somewhat the final motivation for me. I requested him to listen to the recorded episode 1 and comment on it professionally. I trusted him on this is because we have not met before and any feedbacks he wants to give will not be awkward for him. He doesn’t know my personality so it will be on a natural point of view. And also because he has been running his own podcasts, and producing 6 podcasts now so basically in terms of technicality, he is the right person. So, when he listened to my first episode and of all the feedbacks that he mentioned, the only problem was the echo issue. Which means where I recorded my voice. It is not even about my voice or the subject I am discussing about. He even said that my concept is actually unique and I managed to differentiate my tone of voice between reading a poem and talking about the contents. Well, that was like a fully throttle motivation for me. I am not kidding when I said I was quite demotivated after recording the 1st episode wondering whether should I continue, giving myself excuses like my office room is not soundproof so my office neighbours could listen and all that shit. When I realized that those are excuses I created for myself to avoid putting my plans into actions, immediately I find alternatives to solve that issue. And here I am in a podcast studio not my office talking to you. I feel like most of the time, we have to fight off our own negative mindset. And if anyone around you that you feel will not support your plans which are nothing detrimental, it is better to keep it to yourself. Cos for me, it is so challenging to fight off my own negative thinking and I don’t need another inputs from someone else to bring me down. So that is how I normally solved my problems and putting my plans into actions.

By the way, I will be releasing the 1st episode of another podcast of mine. A different genre and concept. That is more towards the science of handwriting analysis, more motivational, ways to grow your personality and putting plans into actions. Look for The Grapholistic Podcast. It will be broadcasted by end of June 2021.​​

Next question - “What is your plan in terms of publishing the 3rd book?” I amworking on something now but it will not be on poetry. Harry requested me to write a novel. But I told him that urghhh I tried to write but it just doesn’t work at the moment. Explaining something which is fictional especially expressing feelings and only based on my imagination is abit challenging for me in comparison to writing poems which are mainly what is happening. However, I have started working on my current project. This time it will be more graphic that is a comic. More to romance genre in a fictional city. I am looking forward to producing this because the storyline has been in my imagination for years. Before I sleep, or whenever I couldn’t sleep these imaginations will always have a playback at the back of mind. Currently I am getting an illustrator to collaborate on this comic. Probably the first issue will be out by end of June/July 2021. I am also looking forward to make a short film without the need to invest so much money on it. I have started to write the script too for this. I will keep you guys updated in my website or YouTube whenever there is any latest release.

Next question. “The ending of the Letters of a Thousand Speeches is very sad. Do you manage to overcome those feelings?” Oh yes. At the end. This is like the 4th month. And it works well so far. Although it was abit challenging in the beginning which I let it be. It took me about 2 to 3 weeks to fully resetting memories and justifying my decisions. But the funny thing is that I didn’t feel as overwhelmed like before I wrote the letters. I didn’t cry. I thought I will be angry, but I didn’t. Yes, so far considered I am good. But remember that this takes a lot of courage that is to prioritize yourself first. In case if you can identify that I sounded emotionless in my podcast episodes in Season 2 when I was explaining, it is because I was in the middle of handling myself and neutralizing how I feel so basically when I am trying to forget something, I want to make sure that I remove the emotion out of it.
​
To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, it is now available in Amazon. If you buy directly from our website, you will be getting the book at a better price. Also, our book release Gift Box is now available only in our website. It will consist of tea, coffee, biscuits, handmade pineapple tarts and chocolates. We look forward that you will read this book while drinking a Cappuccino. ​
​
Alright guys. I am gonna end this episode here. To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, it is now available in Amazon, Barnes and Nobles and other online bookstores. If you purchase directly from our website (www.winterscribbler.com), you will be getting the book at a better rate. Currently, we have a gift box which is called the book release package is already available for purchase in our website. 
​​​
For the live recording of this podcast, pls visit ourYouTube channel Winter Scribbler. The link to the video and the episode transcript is available in our website. 

To support us in creating more contents, be our patron and receive additional benefits with your membership such as free books from our publishing company, behind the scenes episodes, tutorials and many other benefits linked to our sister company, Grapholistic International.

For the live video recording of this podcast, pls visit our YouTube channel - Winter Scribbler Publishing. The link to the video and the episode transcript is available in our website. 

To support us, be our patron and receive additional benefits with your membership such as free books from our publishing company, behind the scenes episodes, tutorials and many other benefits linked to our sister company, Grapholistic International.

I will take a break for this season and will keep you updated for any new episodes in the next season. Meanwhile, do check out my podcast Grapholistic Podcast in late June 2021. Thank you for listening to my contents. Take good care of yourself. Bye.​

To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, visit Amazon.com or www.winterscribbler.com  

You can also contact us for any feedbacks and questions at winterscribbler @ gmail.com​
TRAILER - Letters of a Thousand Speeches by S.Sulianah

INTRODUCTION TO SEASON 2 - EPISODE 10
SIGNALS

Signals like body language, the way that person we are interested in talks to us and all could be a message telling us how they feel. But could it be also just another of our wild assumption just because we feel differently towards them?
​
​​This podcast episode is brought to you by Winter Scribbler Publishing. Where reality and imagination turn into delicate harmony of scripts and illustrations. ​
Visit www.winterscribbler.com for collections of books, poetry and graphics by diverse talents of artists and writers. ​
Hi Everyone. Welcome back to the last episode of Season 2 of the Women Love Women WLW Podcast.

Initially, I was thinking whether I should speak more about moving on and forward but I guess at the moment, the one which I mentioned in earlier episode should be more than enough. I have been thinking about this subject which is about body language and signals. Both from our side and also learning to understand from the women we are interested in.

I am not a body language consultant. However, I have been exploring, researching, reading and try and error in understanding body language and testing the energy emitted to me. It is my profession, my job to do so by the way because of my work. No, I didn’t use any instrument or tool. Just my instinct which is based on years of experience, based on the research done by others, and of course reading and testing the books I read about body language and psychological assessment. I mean I have a tool to understand the trait of a person using the science of graphology. But I don’t use that to understand whether the person likes me. I used more on observation.
​
How to know whether the girl you like, likes you back? If you are waiting for an answer from me here, frankly, I don’t have any. Probably the part as in like to be friends with you or is comfortable when with you, I guess I can say that my analysis is normally about 80 to 98% accurate. But like, in terms of romantically, hmmm… I am so sorry I couldn’t share with you anything because so far I don’t have any successful cases. I mean like the first thing I never asked.


But I did mention in earlier episode regarding how to know whether a girl likes you back from a Youtuber couple. That was when I realized that my analysis might not be accurate.

The one that I could give the 80 to 98% accuracy are like the following situations.


Friends whom I know either are my classmates, schoolmate like in a different way which is interested in them in a romantic way which means physically romantic, or having imaginations that you want to be with them in some way, normally has this kind of look when they chat with m, all those kind of signals and signs.


How to explain to you. It is different. The obvious one especially is this one who is my ex-classmate from university when I was taking my masters. She is fit, very fit, a rower. I mentioned her before in one of my episodes if you remember. I think she knows so that was one-time at a school event, I was at the registration table while waiting for my name to be checked by the staff. My focus was actually towards a group of our classmates where she was sitting on the same table, but then I noticed she kept looking at me, smiling and that look she gave was like urghh different. Like she was looking at side eye. No one was looking at me though. Only her. I don’t know why I noticed her. Then I panicked but I did smile back and look away shyly in a way to tell her hey go on, I am interested.


That was one time. And on the same event, another classmate whom I was interested in also was just chatting with me. The others are like in a separate small groups a bit distant from us. I am not sure whether is it because she was abit drunk because they were served with wine or champagne. Remember this is like a casual smart event conducted by our university. There were not many people because it was an alumni event. So, what happened was she stood so close to me like there is no space between us. I didn’t move because I guess I was comfortable with her. It was so close. The other girl I mentioned earlier was just like 8 feet away from us, maybe she can see us from her side glance. So basically, these kinds of signals are like what I interpreted as interested.


Whether any of us make a move is another story. Whether I am overanalyzing it is another story. The thing is that you might act differently like I do in this kind of situation.


The rower girl did invite me to join her and our classmates after that event for a drink. So what I did was I panicked and also not comfortable to join them because it was with my other classmates. I am alright with them but my brain and mouth sometimes functioned differently in panicky situation. I don’t have any plans that night actually. Maybe I was also afraid if I feel something else. Urghhh is so complicated sometimes.
​
Another thing is probably you can ask. I believed most of you guys out there have the courage to ask. So if you do, please go ahead. Asking to confirm that you did not misunderstand might be better but you do have to take a risk though. I took the risk which will affect my friendship with the person. But I did. The difference is now I feel better, but then on the other hand, I have not been talking to her since December. So far, I am alright and everything goes as planned. I hope so. I have 2 more months to go through this.


And what kind of signals could affect your decision in some way to move forward will be different from your story and mine. Whatever it is I would like to wish you all the best.

Before I end this episode,there will be additional bonus episode to answer a few questions. Just one more episode, extra.


​​​To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, it is now available in Amazon. If you buy directly from our website, you will be getting the book at a better price. Also, our book release package which will also consist of tea, coffee, biscuits, and chocolates is still available for purchase in our website. We look forward that you will read this book while drinking coffee. 
​
Alright guys. I am gonna end this episode here. To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, it is now available in Amazon, Barnes and Nobles and other online bookstores. If you purchase directly from our website (www.winterscribbler.com), you will be getting the book at a better rate. Currently, we have a gift box which is called the book release package is already available for purchase in our website. ​​
​
For the live recording of this podcast, pls visit ourYouTube channel Winter Scribbler. The link to the video and the episode transcript is available in our website. 

To support us in creating more contents, be our patron and receive additional benefits with your membership such as free books from our publishing company, behind the scenes episodes, tutorials and many other benefits linked to our sister company, Grapholistic International.


At the meantime, I will see you in the next episode. Take good care of yourself. Bye.​
To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, visit Amazon.com or www.winterscribbler.com  
You can also contact us for any feedbacks and questions at winterscribbler @ gmail.com
​
TRAILER - Letters of a Thousand Speeches by S.Sulianah

INTRODUCTION TO SEASON 2 - EPISODE 9
AVOIDANCE

What should you do if that overwhelming feelings hurts and will affect your friendship with that girl you are interested in? You couldn't tell her because of many reasons or probably you could. Avoiding her is sometimes the only solution to move on.​​
​
This podcast episode is brought to you by Winter Scribbler Publishing. Where reality and imagination turn into delicate harmony of scripts and illustrations. 
​
Visit www.winterscribbler.com for collections of books, poetry and graphics by diverse talents of artists and writers. 
​​​
Hi Everyone. Welcome back to WLW Podcast. WLW stands for Women Love Women. Today I would like to explore more on the subject of avoidance. Before I start this episode, whatever I shared here is based or with reference to whatever I had experienced. And then I wrote it in this book called Letters of a Thousand Speeches. Expressed in poems and also letter-like writings. And the episodes that I covered are basically the main pattern that I noticed whenever there is this relationship that I went through with the women I was interested in all this while. But this pattern does not even exist when I went out with guys, I mean when I used to go out with guys.


One of these patterns I would like to talk about is actually avoidance.
​​

Every relationship which I had with those friends I was interested with, present and past tense, there is this one specific point that I will go through this stage. This stage of trying to avoid them. It doesn’t matter whether when or after how long I have known them or how long I have gone out with them. This avoidance stage occurred when my brain started to think something else apart from going ahead with that friendship I am already having with them. This will be when I started to think too much.


Especially asking myself questions like is this right or wrong to feel this way towards the person? Is feeling like this acceptable? Or statements like Ah she doesn’t feel the same way, so I should distant myself from her. She is probably uncomfortable with me, so I think it is time to stay away. These kind of mind-boggling assumptions and thinking will be like the first step towards my agenda to avoid them. And they will not noticed it actually. I mean most of them don’t. The only one who realized it is I guess is the recent one.  
​​

The reason I avoid them most of the time is for my advantage. I have to because I feel like I need to. And I don’t even know what to do if I don’t. Unless they are single, not straight probably which is difficult to know, then it could be easier.


Hmmmm.. but didn’t I already face this similar situation seven years ago? Ah well, it is a tad confusing sometimes on how to handle it. But most of the time, I realized avoiding is the only solution for me. For my own benefit and also for them too. The only unsuccessful avoidance was with the friend I was interested in 13 years ago. She didn’t know I was interested in her for sure but if she could guess, well great. What she did was she pulled me back in and we are now close friends still like we used to.


Those who I avoided are the ones with intensity level 8 to 10. Those below that I don’t need to because I don’t hangout with them. They are basically there circling in my mind but we don’t pursue it too much.


What I normally did when I avoid them? What kind of excuses will I give? Well, I don’t say it out loud. I will do things like I will ignore their text messages or reply late although I missed them badly. I will reply their text messages very short and in a few words which is rude I know. And when we meet, I will try to avoid eye contact like it is automatic. Actually, the only one I avoided eye contact was with the one I was writing about in this book most of the time. I will talk to her, but I will not see her eye to eye. I just couldn’t. And frankly, it was very obvious. There was one time she asked me before what is the reason.​​
Personally, from my perspective, I guess avoidance is alright as long as the reason does not harm anyone. I mean if this is the way to handle the problem and control the issue at hand, I feel like why not. If you have some other ideas on how to handle this kind of similar situation, pls do share with me. I am really curious if there are other methods just so that it will not hurt my feelings or the person I was into. Don’t follow mine. You and I have a different situation in hand.


Sometimes, I feel like it is me who are not interested to commit in relationships doesn’t matter about whether the person is taken or not. I mean I had opportunities in various ways but most of it ended up similar to this. A friend of mine actually did say this out loud to me as in what was in my mind. It could be me who is not interested so that is why I am giving all these excuses to avoid and end it. I don’t know maybe. I guess.


Alright this episode is a bit short because whatever I am speaking is somewhat similar to the past episodes.
​
To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, it is now available in Amazon. If you buy directly from our website, you will be getting the book at a better price. Also, our book release package which will also consist of tea, coffee, biscuits, and chocolates is still available for purchase in our website. We look forward that you will read this book while drinking coffee. 
​
Alright guys. I am gonna end this episode here. To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, it is now available in Amazon, Barnes and Nobles and other online bookstores. If you purchase directly from our website (www.winterscribbler.com), you will be getting the book at a better rate. Currently, we have a gift box which is called the book release package is already available for purchase in our website. ​​
​
For the live recording of this podcast, pls visit ourYouTube channel Winter Scribbler. The link to the video and the episode transcript is available in our website. 

To support us in creating more contents, be our patron and receive additional benefits with your membership such as free books from our publishing company, behind the scenes episodes, tutorials and many other benefits linked to our sister company, Grapholistic International.

At the meantime, I will see you in the next episode. Take good care of yourself. Bye.

​
To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, visit Amazon.com or www.winterscribbler.com
  
You can also contact us for any feedbacks and questions at winterscribbler @ gmail.com
​
TRAILER - Letters of a Thousand Speeches by S.Sulianah

INTRODUCTION TO SEASON 2 - EPISODE 7
PHASES WHEN MOVIN' ON

Moving on from someone we have feelings for and seems important to us is always a challenging a process. It could take months to years. Whatever the reason will be, when it is time, we have to be courageous to make that decision and make the first step to move out from the past.​​
This podcast episode is brought to you by Winter Scribbler Publishing. Where reality and imagination turn into delicate harmony of scripts and illustrations. ​
Visit www.winterscribbler.com for collections of books, poetry and graphics by diverse talents of artists and writers. 
​

Hi ladies. Welcome back.

I am sure you guys out there are more experienced than I do in terms of handling love stories, romantic relationship with women, accidentally falling in love with your best friend, break ups and those similar to whatever I have been experiencing.

But I really need to say that I feel like I did go through phases when I was handling this the first time. Actually, after writing the final letter telling her how I feel, my main reason is to just express it out. I didn’t even think about any response except for like leaving me alone and give me that 6 months break that I needed. But I know at the back of my mind that after that 6 months, it will never be the same again. Once I wrote that letter it was like a relieved. Like 100% burden became 0%. When she got that letter, she didn’t understand it at first that is what she told me until I have to explain it to her. So, basically I had to explain 3 times because the second time I explained she didn’t understand.


So, the subsequent thing that happened was she wanted to leave this group of ours and she said that in the future she will make sure that she will choose the correct friends something like that. Alright guys remember earlier I told you I didn’t feel anything. But when she said this, I did feel something. I was like thinking so you are categorizing me as those friends who are no longer in your life because they don’t like you or you don’t like them? I feel like who am I to you? I was like I didn’t hate you, it was the opposite. Then also she said something like this upcoming dinner will be her last time she will hang out with us and we should just continue with each other without her like we used to. At first I replied, what if I come for this dinner. Will u stay? And she said yes probably. But guess what happened? I did not show up. You guys will hate me when I said this, but I think by not showing up was the best solution during that time.


Firstly, the day before the dinner I came across a phrase by a speaker on relationships. He said that if someone has said something like, if you do this, then I will do this in relationships doesn’t matter friends or partners, this is considered not a healthy relationship. It is considered like blackmailing. I was looking for a final decision actually to make for that day and I found it. Apart from that also, I did ask a friend’s opinion too and he supported my decision.
These phase which I went through was like from my perspective. I am sure she has her own and I respected that whatever it is. Frankly, she is one of the most wonderful people I know whom I am glad I met her and I don’t regret feeling like this towards her.

Okay wait we are talking about the phases right.
​
And so the next phase that I went through was ignoring text messages and calls from that group of friends we are with. I am not sure whether she told them but she did say she might because she cannot keep lying to them. So, I told her “Well, up to you.” I cannot stop her from doing so. Let me be clear, if she tells them means it is the same like I am already out of the closet with them so you get it. But I don’t really want to delve into that.

Then during December to January, my mind will sometimes travel to thoughts that reminded me of the times we were together but in the bad way. Like what are her bad characters, her unpleasant personality, how I felt she used me in some way, how she shouldn’t even try to contact with me after 3 yrs of disappearing from my life, how she only added me in Instagram after she get married, how she left 6 years ago and not tell me that she is leaving (even though sometimes I did the same with my other friends like is a normal thing and my friends did that to me too but I don’t care). All these unpleasant characters and situations will be flashing in my mind but eventually what I did was I will shut it off.


Then there are always these thoughts of being with her like I always think of. So normally I will imagine some stuffs with her but in this recovering phase I have to replaced it with someone else. And every time she appeared in my dreams, I will cut it out with other figures.

This phase is like putting in 1000% effort to forget 10,000%.

But sometimes I will let my mind chill and let my heart feel what it wanted. Because why controlled it right. Especially when recently I listened to Cardigan by Taylor Swift, Driver’s License by Olivia Rodrigo, Sofia by Clairo and the song Surrender by Natalie Taylor. The lyrics just fit into my story at the moment so I will let myself feel whatever it wants. This is basically the few phases.
​
Sometimes, throughout this process, I will keep telling myself that I was the one who wanted to take the risk to be as close to her. So, I should not regret any of my decisions.


Then the next phase would be, I will ask her, more like visualizing like as if she is right in front of me. I was telling her like, if you did not approach me like how you did at the rooftop bar, I will not be in this position. I was fine that time and I roughly knew that you are not interested especially when you kept talking about how you are still in love with your ex-boyfriend and that you are straight. I was alright like 6 years ago but when what you did with me that night, it makes something and everything different.

Then I will ask her again, so all those attentions and you being so physically close to me every time we are together, what are those gestures, what does it mean? Is that how you behave with your friends? Do you hold your friend’s hand like that? Did you flush your body with your friends like that? Is it common to pull your friend towards the back of your body like that? Right, okay maybe not about the food that you made for me only like the fried rice paste etc. I mean those are subjective like how friends do to their friends, maybe for you. I don’t know. Maybe you did. Because I don’t but anyway it doesn’t matter anymore because whether it is small or just a slight touch, it doesn’t mean anything to you anymore. So, basically this is like a visualization when I don’t have the chance or I don’t want to speak to her directly.
​
Guys, remember I mentioned also about jealousy. How I felt jealous when she is proud to take photo with one of our friends than with me. Or how she don’t mind to be associated with her in photographs than with me. Or how she seems like she don’t mind if that friend of ours flushed her body towards her when they were taking photo. Yeah, those jealousy sometimes did flash in my mind just as an excuse for me to tell myself that I have made the right decision to leave.​
In total, this is the second month of the phase to forget her 10,000%. I know this time will work out better than how I did years ago. Because I know there is no coming back.

And my last phase was to write these into poems and finally this book Letters of a Thousand Speeches. This is somewhat like I am not courageous enough to tell her in person, but I don’t mind telling the whole world. (Laugh)


I have treasured her differently than my normal friends that is what is very obvious. I mean as I said she is that wonderful person but she is actually a strong person too. I wrote the poem Perfect Everything which is inspired by when I was interacting with her. I have always respected her because she respects me. I don’t remember her raising her voice to me, said mean things towards me or about me directly. She used bad words but not to me except when explaining some things about other people. She is actually a very good listener which is difficult to find in friends and I will always feel comfortable telling her things that I never tell others.


I mean apart from that she is also gorgeous, stunning, tall, slender, and every time whenever we are together, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Sometimes I tried to look away, but my hindsight will always check her out. She has this beautiful smile that is genuine. Not forced. Like every time she smiles at me, I find it beautiful especially with that dimples that she used to let me touch it. And she is also a great cook, clean, and hardworking. The only thing I cannot stand about her is when she gets angry with someone or when she will distanced herself like as if she is avoiding you.  
​
Anyway, guys I think I should end this episode here. I will see whether I will continue talking about this in the next episode or we will talk about other matters. Remember, I am not here to advise you on relationship with women. I am not the right person to do that. You guys probably have more experiences than I do. Here, I am just sharing the poems I wrote about and how it came about. Also, on anything that could relate to the struggles when I ended up falling in love or interested in the women in my life connecting it to the creative writings we see in song lyrics, poems and characters in TV and movies.  ​​​​
Alright guys. I am gonna end this episode here. To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, it is now available in Amazon, Barnes and Nobles and other online bookstores. If you purchase directly from our website (www.winterscribbler.com), you will be getting the book at a better rate. Currently, we have a gift box which is called the book release package is already available for purchase in our website. ​​
​
For the live recording of this podcast, pls visit ourYouTube channel Winter Scribbler. The link to the video and the episode transcript is available in our website. 

To support us in creating more contents, be our patron and receive additional benefits with your membership such as free books from our publishing company, behind the scenes episodes, tutorials and many other benefits linked to our sister company, Grapholistic International.

At the meantime, I will see you in the next episode. Take good care of yourself. Bye.

​
To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, visit Amazon.com or www.winterscribbler.com
  
You can also contact us for any feedbacks and questions at winterscribbler @ gmail.com
​
TRAILER - Letters of a Thousand Speeches by S.Sulianah

INTRODUCTION TO SEASON 2 - EPISODE 6
FEARS AND WORRIES

Sometimes the questions that I would ask myself is why do I have to worry or afraid that I will fall for someone. Is it because of how it will hurt if this does not work? And if that is the reason, why do I keep letting myself go with it?​​
​
This podcast episode is brought to you by Winter Scribbler Publishing. Where reality and imagination turn into delicate harmony of scripts and illustrations. 
​
Visit www.winterscribbler.com for collections of books, poetry and graphics by diverse talents of artists and writers. ​
All these moments are normally a build-up. I observed that these timelines are repeated throughout the 3 periods which I mentioned earlier. In the book, I had divided into 3 sections separated by symbols in the 3 illustrations. Such as rollercoasters that signify the Universal Studio visit, the infinity pool that signifies the night we had at Marina Bay Sands and also the morning at the pool and etc etc.


Recently, I read through my diary which I wrote in 2007 to 2010. And I realized there is a pattern that I always go through. You can check this pattern in YouTube which I had made into an explainer video. In case you guys can relate to it.

That feeling and thinking which coincides with each other wondering what these are. Because for me yes, I have these feelings before but this time the physical attraction is way beyond normal. There is something else which I have never wanted from those I had crushed with or interested in. During that 2013 phase, I couldn’t understand in which I will talk about this more in the upcoming episodes what is this something peculiar. ​
​
We have to go back to the main factor. Which is fear. Have you guys experienced this before? The feelings are too heavy in your heart that it becomes something else. My maximum patience during that time was when she started talking about her ex-boyfriend. And that time she was single and divorced with a kid. So, when she started to say that, I knew that this feeling I was having is one-sided. And that was when my worries became more extreme that I realized I nearly have my 2 feet in the door, and I need to go back. But at that time, I couldn’t because part of me was still with her.


First is always that uncontrollable thoughts that I always have when I feel like I am into it especially in this kind of relationship. I have no idea what is that at first. But then when subsequently, over the years I learnt about myself, I knew then what this is. It is a feeling that I cannot express and so it is bottled up. When I have secured it over time, at any point of time it will explode. Over the years I managed to keep it in my two litre bottle but as of recent I just couldn’t anymore.
Initially I was wondering why. I couldn’t in 2 occasions including this. And I had the courage to express it for the first one and the second one too. Both in writing just so you know because I am not really good at talking about it. Because I don’t know how to, and I will forget what I want to say. And also, I have no courage to tell it out loud.
​​
I mean like I expect that the person could read me. You expect people could read you. Like everything I did in action are so obvious. In this book, if I remember correctly, I have mentioned that I started to be worried I guess about 5 to 6 times throughout the years. And these times are some of the moments that when she shows her attraction towards me or attention, I will start to get worried. And then when she doesn’t, I will be jealous. I am not sure whether this is normal. But yes, this was what happened.​
​
I guess the climax was when I decided to distance myself from her when I feel like she is not interested in me in the way I did towards her. And instead of getting myself dive too deep into this, I was worried I couldn’t get out from whatever this is like usually I did. Maybe because of that, I had to find the reasons to leave. But also apart from that, I really really couldn’t control my feelings this time. Actually, this is the first time in my life that I cried because of someone who make me feel this way. Like I said, I have feelings for those before but I have never shed tears for anyone. I didn’t get moody. I didn’t have no appetite. I didn’t stare into blank space. I didn’t feel like my throat is choke when listening to songs like Driver’s License, Cardigan and Surrender. I have no idea why this time is so different. By the way, listen to Driver’s License by Olivia Rodrigo. This is one of the best songs in my life apart from Taylor Swift. It is one of the epic songs which I can listen on repeat.​​
Over the years, for myself, I have developed my self-esteem which for me is important because apart from me being in this line of coaching people to grow their personality, I knew since then that this will be an essential armour in my life. One thing I am sure that even though I was afraid, worried, or jealous, I am glad it doesn’t affect inside of me. Meaning that I am glad it did not make me feel down about myself, hate myself or even blame myself.


I mean since you guys are listening to this, I would like to insert some words of motivation too if you are struggling to overcome certain challenges in your life. Because I have read and listened to stories and I would understand why situations could demotivate people to pursue their life because of relationships.


What I did was I let myself feel whatever I wanted to feel after I said to her about my overwhelming feelings. That took about 2 to 3 weeks maybe 4 weeks. I couldn’t deny that throughout those weeks, it hurts. I feel really not good like no appetite and all because of that overwhelming feelings I feel. The jealousy is no longer there actually. It was only for a moment that triggered my decision. That is it which is expected because I seldom feel jealous. Sometimes, frankly I have to train myself to feel jealous hahahha because I feel like a rock if I don’t.


Then, what I did was I kept writing my feelings on my diary. And also expressed my feelings in social media where none of my friends are in my friends’ list like tumblr, tiktok and twitter. Oh before I forget. I have never not updated my status in social media since I am in it for the past 13 years, but Harry had suggested to me to not check my social media on the first week of this incident. Because I kept checking her status and updates. I mean so far it was really great. It has been 3 months and I am still not log in to my Facebook and Instagram account. It makes a lot of difference. Just out of the zone of not knowing what is going on is so much difference. And so far I am okay with it. But remember, I am still login into my personal private twitter, tumblr and tiktok where no one knows me and I will always have a good laugh whenever I need it. Means I am still in socializing mode but selectively. If you find it difficult to do that try this kind of method. Because sometimes when we are in the disappointment or upset mode, find ways to entertain yourself. You have to remember that there are other things in life apart from this.
​​
Basically, these are some ways that I did in practice if in case you need some motivation to overcome similar situations. It is okay I guess to be worried as long as not excessive whenever we feel something towards someone we are interested in. I guess it is also okay to be afraid because if you like a person and it is against your culture, religion or law, I mean you have to decide this yourself. I am actually not even worried or afraid of those but more afraid of how I feel towards the person. I was worried that if she doesn’t feel the same way, it will hurt and break my heart. So, now based on what happened, frankly I did not feel anything at all after telling her how I feel and I didn’t even ask her how she feels towards me because I feel like at this point, her actions after I told her is actually the answer to it, it is like the closure.


But I was surprised that I did not feel anything. I was expecting that I will cry, or like will have no appetite like that time before I wrote that letter so at least I can cut down on the food I have eaten, but I didn’t. But but buttt… okay I cannot continue in this episode because that will be on another chapter and does not suit the title of this episode. Okay I will talk to you again shortly. Click Next!​​
​
Alright guys. I am gonna end this episode here. To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, it is now available in Amazon, Barnes and Nobles and other online bookstores. If you purchase directly from our website (www.winterscribbler.com), you will be getting the book at a better rate. Currently, we have a gift box which is called the book release package is already available for purchase in our website. ​​
​
For the live recording of this podcast, pls visit ourYouTube channel Winter Scribbler. The link to the video and the episode transcript is available in our website. 


To support us in creating more contents, be our patron and receive additional benefits with your membership such as free books from our publishing company, behind the scenes episodes, tutorials and many other benefits linked to our sister company, Grapholistic International.

At the meantime, I will see you in the next episode. Take good care of yourself. Bye.

​
To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, visit Amazon.com or www.winterscribbler.com  
​
You can also contact us for any feedbacks and questions at winterscribbler @ gmail.com
​TRAILER - Letters of a Thousand Speeches by S.Sulianah

INTRODUCTION TO SEASON 2 - EPISODE 8
JEALOUSY

The feelings of jealousy can be detrimental in a relationship. They say that that is a sign of love. But most importantly, to what extent? And how do we manage this feeling wisely without affecting our self-esteem?​​
​
This podcast episode is brought to you by Winter Scribbler Publishing. Where reality and imagination turn into delicate harmony of scripts and illustrations. ​
Visit www.winterscribbler.com for collections of books, poetry and graphics by diverse talents of artists and writers. 
​
Hi Everyone. Welcome back to WLW Podcast Episode 8. This episode I would like to talk a bit more about jealousy. This feeling that I noticed keep appearing now and then but let us focused mainly on relationships with the friends or women that we are interested in.


I decided to talk about this because of how it affects decision-making. Like how it affects my decisions for the past 20++ years when I was with those friends I was into. We have heard that jealousy is not a positive feeling in which we all should avoid in relationship especially if it is baseless, too extreme and not justifiable.

I only noticed about this when I read through my past posts in my diary since 2007. And while I was reading those, I drew a mind map summarizing what happened throughout the timeline. To see what was going on and then what I realized is that there is this sense of jealousy that kept appearing when I was with those friends I was interested in.
​​
Firstly, is at a certain stage, when the situation gets much deeper in terms of unable to understand what is that friendship is all about and wondering whether she feels the same way. This is when the next stage will appear that is instead of asking, we keep quiet about it. In which most of us would agree that asking is a tad too much especially if you have no idea about yourself. Personally, I have never asked. Only recently but that too was also not really asking.


Secondly, this person seems to pay more attention to your friend. This is based on observation. I am not sure if it is about insecurity, but for me I don’t feel like I want to categorize that as insecurity because I really don’t think about “Oh the other person is better than me so maybe she pays attention to her more” or similar to that. In fact, I am the type who actually don’t mind if people don’t pay much attention to me, so I can be by myself. But what if you noticed that this could be the case. I have read some similar stories in social media but I am unable to talk about what they really think of this situation. As long as it is not because you look down on yourself, I feel like it is still going well. Because whatever it is, it still comes back to our personal self. For me the questionings in my mind are basically more like “Hey, am I the only one feeling this way?” or “I don’t think you feel the same way like I do.” Or “Oh wow, so basically you are alright taking photos with her and posting it in your account but not when with me. But then, whenever you hangout with me, you act like as if we are more than just friends.”


Thirdly, when that kind of feelings happened, what do you do? For me, I would respond to it by attaching myself with other friends and show it off to her making it look like this time I will make you jealous. Frankly, when I did it intentionally it doesn’t really work. But if someone else came to me so close and chat with me, or when I mentioned it in social media status, then I see there will be differences. For instance, a few years ago nearly 10 years ago with someone whom I was interested in. The interest level towards this friend was at level 7 to 8 out of 10, just so you can imagine. I just came out with this level of intensity just so it is easier for me to tell this story. So, a classmate of ours, who is a she, came to me and stood so close chatting outside one of the shops at a shopping centre while the other classmates of ours were inside the shop. This classmate of mine were asking me about something but she was really standing so close to me. There was not much space in between us, maybe like half feet. Then, I could see from a glance, I saw this friend of mine. She was actually walking towards an aisle but when she saw us, she changed her mind and she came towards us. And this classmate of mine by reflex distanced herself away from me. Basically, I got this friend’s attention without planning. And it works.


This method, I have done this quite a number of times actually. Frankly, I kind of enjoy it. But it is like a temporary pleasure for me which also doesn’t mean that I understood the responses correctly. I could be over analysing. I mean I will do it again as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. Because sometimes it is not easy to ask someone and when they are panic they couldn’t tell the truth. Like I will do the same too, you see. You can use someone in a way like how I did provided that the someone whom you are using has no feelings towards you. Because imagine if she or he did and you don’t, it will be hurtful to her isn’t it?
​
Okay the fourth part I would like to highlight here is also to see the cause of this jealousy. Is it really coming from within you that you are not confident about yourself? Or something else like avoidance? Or an excuse for you?


Because sometimes it can be because of other reasons like I had explored and identified. As I mentioned, I am confident about myself in many ways. As for this story in Letters of a Thousand Speeches, I mentioned 2 people in 2 phases of this story. Firstly, I don’t feel like they are better than me in any way. I mean they are who they are, their success and background doesn’t affect me at all because I am very appreciative and grateful of who and where I am right now. Throughout those moments, I didn’t even compare myself to them in terms of that way. But but but, I realized something else why I have this jealousy stage in this recent story. Actually, it has been the same thing as 10 to 13 years ago with those friends I was into.


What I realized is that, I was finding the reason to feel this. I guess I was looking for it. It is like a distraction for me just so that I can step out of that feeling or step out of that relationship. It is consistent and a pattern it seems like to me. Alright don’t tell me that “Hey, then it is your fault.” Well, what do you expect me to do? Stay and live with that forever and not move on? When you fall for your friends who are already taken or with somebody else, what is the best option? The gentleman option is to leave right? So then, how to leave? Just leave like that without reasons? No, right? So, you have to find reasons to do what you need to do, isn’t it? Eh ok, these are my reasons. So, what is yours?​
So far, I hope that you guys who is overcoming situations similar to this, are able to cope and solve it. Or at least manage it. For me as long as you are not bringing yourself down, and not harming yourself, it will be a good step to pursue. And if you are brave enough to tell the person, yeah go ahead. You do what you need to do. Everyone of us has a different personality and definitely the way we handle and solve obstacles are not the same.


We have a different type of friends, different kind of environment and different personality and experiences. But whatever it is, I kept repeating that if someone is not interested in you and you know that, remember, that you are worthy of who you are. Your value is more than just that love relationship you have with her or him. There are so many other things to do in life than this relationship or this feeling.

However, if she likes you back, please value the relationship and remember to also value yourself too. Never ever let someone ruled your life or disrespect you in any way. Remember to calm down when it ticks your temper. If you need space from her or your friends, give yourself that space because it will mean a lot to you in the long run.​
​
Alright guys. I am gonna end this episode here. To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, it is now available in Amazon, Barnes and Nobles and other online bookstores. If you purchase directly from our website (www.winterscribbler.com), you will be getting the book at a better rate. Currently, we have a gift box which is called the book release package is already available for purchase in our website. ​​​
For the live recording of this podcast, pls visit ourYouTube channel Winter Scribbler. The link to the video and the episode transcript is available in our website. 

To support us in creating more contents, be our patron and receive additional benefits with your membership such as free books from our publishing company, behind the scenes episodes, tutorials and many other benefits linked to our sister company, Grapholistic International.

At the meantime, I will see you in the next episode. Take good care of yourself. Bye.​
To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, visit Amazon.com or www.winterscribbler.com  
​
You can also contact us for any feedbacks and questions at winterscribbler @ gmail.com
​
TRAILER - Letters of a Thousand Speeches by S.Sulianah

INTRODUCTION TO SEASON 2 - EPISODE 5
QUEER LESBIAN CHARACTERS IN TV SERIES AND MOVIES

Lesbian Characters in TV series and movies influenced so much on how we perceive a romantic relationship between women. Some with happy endings while a number made us frustrated with the burns. Brittana, Supercorp, Tala and Laila, Juliantina, Cophine, Wayhaught, Jane and Petra are some of the many relationships we shipped hard.​
​
This podcast episode is brought to you by Winter Scribbler Publishing. Where reality and imagination turn into delicate harmony of scripts and illustrations. 
​
Visit www.winterscribbler.com for collections of books, poetry and graphics by diverse talents of artists and writers. 
​
Hi Ladies.

Today I am going to dive into characters in TV and movies that made a huge impact in some way for us and I can say to myself. Why I decided to talk about this here is because of how somewhat it influenced me in someway to have the courage to write books towards queer direction, watching and commenting in social media of Lesbians icons, following them, watching compilation videos and commenting on them, buying clothes and merchandise with LGBT symbols and flags, and eventually creating this podcast.
​
The first ever ever video or movies that I watched, which I was so brave to start watching discreetly if I remember correctly was the L-Word, the movie I Can’t Think Straight, and then Glee for Brittany and Santana’s relationship. In fact, initially I did not want to start watching all these shows because at that time I know that the possibilities is just at the edge for me and I was worried to start watching these shows and I will end up be so true to myself. And when it ever happens, I will know the reasons why I was not interested in having relationships with those guys I was with. Part of me already know at that time why but I feel like I didn’t want to admit. 
​
When I watched these shows, the actress portraying those characters were like telling my story. It hits nicely and very gently. And that is why most of these shows that I had eventually watched on repeat like nobody’s business came to me like naturally. 
​
These shows like Glee, the ship name Brittana was told to us that it was a push by our late Naya Rivera to the writers to create her actual friendship with Heather on screen especially when the fans kept pushing them about how beautiful their friendship is behind the scene. This was actually one of my favourite couples on TV that made me feel the same struggles of keeping my own good girl reputation. The storyline that focus on denying actually hits so close to me during that time.
​
As for the L-Word, it is more of like a generic show based on my analysis. I didn’t really feel that any of the storyline fits my real life. But my favourite couple at that time was Bette and Tina, who are more to the matured category in this series. I find Bette very gorgeous and so fit that I actually had a crush on her. And another couple was Alice and Dana. They are like the chill type couple and I was also into Dana cos she has this personality similar to Bette in terms of physical. Very fit and toned. 
​
As for I Can’t Think Straight, this is like the movie that you guys should watch if you haven’t. I talked about this in Season 1. Tala and Laila’s chemistry is something which I would want one in my real life. And as for the storyline, it is like one of the most beautiful on-screen love story between women that you will ever watched. This goes the same too for the movie they both played in The World Unseen played by the same actresses, Sheetal Sheth and Lisa Ray and written by the same writer, Shamim Sarif. 
​
If I am not wrong, I did watch quite a number of movies and series with queer contents 10 years ago but it is not as many as current tv shows if you compare. I noticed that there are more lesbian and gay relationships on straight shows today than they used to. Because last time I remember I have to search online. I have to make friends with YouTube viewers who shared the links.


The girl I met who is from Canada who knows my inclinations towards women, once told me hey you should watch this movie called Blue is the Warmest Colour. This was like 2 or 3 years ago. And when I replied, Yeah I already did a few years ago when it was released, she literally stood in silence and stared at me. At that time, I was thinking why was she surprised. Until recently I saw in tumblr a meme that if someone said that they have watched that show, she is confirmed gay. I mean like okay, I was already so clear. But hey I should be the one surprised. How come she watched that show? Haahaha
​
Let’s see what else did I missed? Carol! Yes! Carol is like one of those iconic lesbian movies that should not be missed for whatever reason. That was the moment I fall in love with Cate Blanchett! And then I fall harder towards Cate Blanchett in Ocean’s 8. Ohmygod Cate Blanchett in suits!!! AHHH. Oh my goodness. In Carol, the connection Carol has with Therese, the chemistry, that soft gentle gestures, the words when they speak to each other like whispers, their eye contact, ohmygod! So soft! By the way, I am not sure about one thing. Whether I want to be like Cate Blanchett or I want someone like Cate Blanchett.


Okay next…did you guys watch the series, The Good Wife? The Good Wife is generally a straight show but they are very inclusive in terms of their characters. This is one of my favourite shows. I don’t like watching stories about lawyers or law or legal related, but this was an amazing series. The WLW relationship between Kalinda Sharma and Lana Delaney is one of my favourites. I think you guys will agree that they actually are a good-looking couple, and they have like this fiery energy with each other. There is a certain friction and magnetic energy between them. I really shipped them actually especially when they were arguing in the cafeteria and that scene when Kalinda went to Lana’s apartment at night. Did you guys watch that on repeat? I wish that their relationship in the series is longer especially with their strong character.


Okay next one is, Imagine Me and You. Yes, that was also a classic movie. I love it actually. I remember the first time I saw the poster in my hometown’s cinema. I was like woahhh what the hell. It can be broadcasted here? By the way I watched it online cos the screening time slot was at 10pm onwards. I am not the type who watched movies at 10pm onwards. The story is so simple and lovely. The main actor, Lena Headey made my heart melt and like I said the relationship and storyline is simple not that much of a crisis that they had to go through together. I can say that it surely is one of those movies that I had watched on repeat.  


Lets talk about the recently aired movies and couples that I have been watching. Juliantina is one of the famous couple in 2019 - 2020 from the Show Amar a Muerte. Sorry if I pronounced this wrongly. Just google it. Is a relationship name between Juliana and Valentina.


Guys, frankly, I didn’t watch the show but there was one time, I watched a video compiled by someone in Youtube. It is a very long video of all Juliana and Valentina’s scenes from this series only their scenes. Starting from how they met. You know what happened? I ended up watching the videos on a Friday from 10pm to 5am and then continue again the next 3 days. It was quite a lot. Each video is about 20 to 30mins compilation. It was beautifully compiled, and I cried even though I did not watch the entire show. This is one of those beautiful couple in a show with not only their good-looking persona but their chemistry between each other.


Guys, ohmygod how can I forget this. Cophine from Orphan Black. Cophine is one of the epic couple. This is like the upper tier show. Apart from the storyline, the very high level acting from the casts especially who else our star, Tatiana Maslany. Cophine is also one of those series that impacted me in certain way. It somewhat reminds me to be with someone with similar interest and mindset as me. As for fantasy wise, I feel like I will be more suitable as a Cosima and my future partner will be Delphine.
​
How entertaining these shows are I believed that there are ships that we hope they could be more than just friends especially with the way they behave towards each other. Well, every time I see comments in these shows’ social media or videos in YouTube, I will sometimes reply, Hey this is what happened in real life. We couldn’t tell that person just because we are afraid that we will lose that friendship with them. We couldn’t read what is in their mind.


A number of those shows are the ships which you guys probably follows, Supercorp from Supergirl. Supercorp is a combination between Supergirl and Lena Luthor. The relationship that we keep shipping. There are so many obvious clues that they both are into each other but the writers did not make any move to make them a couple or at least declare their love for each other. Every time I see them on compilation videos, because I don’t watch the show Supergirl, I will think like I feel like I am Lena Luthor but sometimes I want a girlfriend who is like Lena Luthor. Those moments like staring looks, that kind of smile, eye contact oh my goodness, isn’t that something which is so real in real life.


By the way, I really respect how some tv writers listened to fans’ theories and requests but because it could affect the storyline in some way, they added in a character just so that the other character could be in a relationship with another woman.


Jane the Virgin is not only one of the “you must stay tuned every week” show, I feel like they respect the viewers. There were so many requests in social media to make Jane and Petra be in a relationship with each other because of their chemistry, storyline and friendship. But I guess because it will affect Jane’s storyline which is the main character and also the other guys’ storyline in which in this show even though I am not straight, I like the actors who played in this series. They are like gentleman and respect the viewers’ opinions and don’t argue with them like how some other shows’ actors behaved. I guess you all know what I meant. So, what Jane the Virgin’s writers and showrunners did was to add in another character named Jane AND this Jane is interested in Petra and so does Petra. It was beautifully matched and there are so many sexy scenes. The actress who played the 2nd Jane is also known for some of her other shows with women loving women inclination so basically, she has a good reputation in the lesbian community. I can say Jane the Virgin is one of the best shows I have ever watched in my list.


Other than that, there are shows that I haven’t watch fully only halfway through, which I would like to do a shoutout they are very brave enough and open enough to share their stories in films are Wynonna Earp and One Day at A Time.
​
To summarize, these are the shows that actually kind of influenced me in some way to just act normal and feel free to feel what I feel if that is what makes me comfortable. Because if I keep it for so long, the more I deny it, the more it will be consuming my time, energy and mind analysing it and thinking about it. And I feel like I am more at ease now compared to last time. I don’t really care so much whether if I flirt openly with someone I like, it will be obvious or not. In fact, sometimes I purposely do what I wanna do.  
​
Alright guys. I am gonna end this episode here. To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, it is now available in Amazon, Barnes and Nobles and other online bookstores. If you purchase directly from our website (www.winterscribbler.com), you will be getting the book at a better rate. Currently, we have a gift box which is called the book release package is already available for purchase in our website. 
​​​​
For the live recording of this podcast, pls visit our YouTube channel Winter Scribbler. The link to the video and the episode transcript is available in our website. 


To support us in creating more contents, be our patron and receive additional benefits with your membership such as free books from our publishing company, behind the scenes episodes, tutorials and many other benefits linked to our sister company, Grapholistic International.


At the meantime, I will see you in the next episode. Take good care of yourself. Bye.

​
To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, visit Amazon.com or www.winterscribbler.com  
You can also contact us for any feedbacks and questions at winterscribbler @ gmail.com
​
TRAILER - Letters of a Thousand Speeches by S.Sulianah

​INTRODUCTION TO SEASON 2 - EPISODE 4
COOKING AND BUYING GIFTS

What is your love language? Did you shower the woman you are interested in with gifts and spend your time with her? And then cook for her even though you have not done that for years?

This podcast episode is brought to you by Winter Scribbler Publishing. Where reality and imagination turn into delicate harmony of scripts and illustrations. ​
Visit www.winterscribbler.com for collections of books, poetry and graphics by diverse talents of artists and writers. ​
Hi Everyone. Welcome back to WLW Podcast. I have been thinking for quite sometime and decided that in this episode why not we talk about gestures. Gestures is basically one of the signs of love or a sign when we are interested in someone.


Did you ever realized that when you deem someone special, automatically you will be buying gifts for her, paying for her food or stuffs even though she refused? For other friends, yeah you do too but you don’t act too much or there is a certain limit. And when the other extreme is you end up cooking for her? Or buy cookies or food to be sent to her place?

Initially, I didn’t even think about this. I have read these many times or heard people say it but I didn’t even noticed it until recently. In fact, I thought that just giving it is a natural gesture to a friend. But I realized that I only did this towards specific people. So in fact I have done this many times over the past years.

Years years ago, I remember now when I was discreetly interested in my best friend in secondary school. I have mentioned about this in the earlier episode but I didn’t talk too much about this person. I remember getting for her bread, buy gifts that I could afford during that time. And also, whenever I wrote cards for her, I will write in length filled with words and wishes that will not leave any space on the card. It is very obvious that I can still remember those moments. Now I realized why the other friends of mine even asked me why I wrote for her very long wishes but theirs is only like Happy Chinese New Year or Merry Christmas only.

Then, a few years later when I hang out with a guy friend, this was about when I was in my mid-20s. That was the only guy which I had made some effort to bake a homemade pizza for him which is of course a nice gesture but also it was because it was like an exchange for his famous layered cake.


And when it comes to recent years which is for the past 13 years, ermmm I don’t remember making anything specially to anyone even though I have a crush on the person.

This gesture came back to me only recently. I am not sure whether it is because I have time to cook and consciously having the thoughts to send gifts. But I am pretty sure this is abit different from those others because I don’t remember sending any gifts to my friends recently except her.​​
I believed you guys have experienced this before somewhat in your lifetime at least once. Did you spend your money more towards a certain friend? Or you will say “Hey it’s ok, I will pay for you” whenever you guys go out. Or you will buy for her stuffs whenever you meet up? Or you know you cook for her even though it is not your forte to cook.


If you are a straight person, and you noticed a friend of yours who is a girl does this to you very often, I hope you don’t take advantage of the situation. And if ever you are not interested with her in a romantic way, I don’t know what you should do but please do not lead her to something that you don’t believe. Because remember karma. She might not do anything like argue with you, or defend herself, but if you don’t stop yourself from leading her on, the repercussions are not only to her but yourself.


I am speaking on behalf of myself when I experienced being straight when going out with guys over a decade ago. I didn’t realize that I was leading them on until when the time comes when they want something more serious than just a friendship. So, whatever my excuses were during that time, I still blame myself for doing something that could meant something else to those guys. Like spending time with me thinking that I like them too or enjoying myself with them. Frankly, genuinely I didn’t think of that except for one guy which was the last guy I went out with. That was like intentional when I wanted to test myself and my inclination. That is it. However so far, that guy was cool and quite a gentleman. So I was quite lucky that time that I met someone who is nice.
​
So, what should you do if you are in love or interested in a girl. Should you straight away pamper her with gifts and showing off your cooking skills doesn’t matter whether the gifts are expensive or not, as long as you could afford it?


For me it will depend on the settings. Like if I pay for this ex-classmate of mine whom I like a bubble tea, which is fine because it doesn’t cost much. And I had intentionally chose the bubble tea flavour same as hers just to signal to her. Then there was one-time I paid for her lunch when we were having one with our other friends. So, basically, I didn’t expect much from her just symbolism that she is different and special to me compared to the others.


Just for your information, most of those friends whom I had crushes on are taken as in have a boyfriend or married in a straight way. I don’t like to destroy marriages even though sometimes my brain said love is love or love wins. But if I have a choice, I will not do anything to what I feel except for flirting and let myself do things that could make me feel I have achieved something like if they respond with a smile, that makes me happy. Or if they flirt back, I will be happy. But not more than that. However, if one day it will happen that there is a response not just a minor response, I think I will let time decide.
​
As for the one I wrote to and about in my new book, Letters of a Thousand Speeches, she is the only one that I did to this extent. Like sending food and gifts to her home, paying for her food or drinks when we go out with friends, and also the last gesture I had with her was to cook a birthday spread for her like I was so surprised.


For the past 10 years, I have never cooked for a girl. But this I did. Oh wait, I did one time and send to that neighbour of mine whom I have a crush with. By the way, I heard she is back from Australia now as in while I am recording this. I have been hoping to see her downstairs my apartment for the past week. Hahaha but part of me also said, “Eh, not again!” Because if this happens, it will be repetition of what had happened like 4 or 5 years ago. It will be a repetition, like a cycle. I decided to tell myself, Stop, No.


Did you all ever noticed the cycle of life? Like sometimes some things happened in cycle. Same situation but in 5 to 10 years later. Like for instance, you went to your friend’s house to collect cookies on 5 June 2018, then on 5 June 2020, you are at her house again for lunch. So in my case, this is like 6 years ago, when I decided it is time to move on from her, I had my attention to this neighbour of mine. She was the one I met during election day, if you followed my story earlier. Then now, it happens again. But also, at the back of mind, I really want this time to be something different. I cannot say it.


Back to the Letters of a Thousand Speeches storyline, so when I cooked the birthday spread for my friends, I have my well-prepared excuses to those other two friends because they will be wondering why I had cooked like 6 dishes for her birthday although that birthday celebration is for our friend’s birthday that falls on the same month. The excuse was, “Hey, she put in so much effort to cook when celebrating our birthdays that day. If we were to buy this time, it clearly shows that we don’t put in effort.” Pfffttt.. anyone who trust me on that reasons I gave, really, I don’t know what to say.
​
So now, whether you want this to be discreet or not to your other spectators especially the girl you like, is really up to you. You might not be able to decide now but thinking about the entire time you have spent with her, do you want those to be wasted and she still think you are just a good friend?


Personally, whenever I did this for the past years, I did not even thought about me liking that person. I was not aware at all that my actions was an automatic response to my feelings towards those friends I was into. Like I said only the many things that happened recently made me aware of what those actions actually meant to me. And this time I didn’t stop myself from doing so. Why should I? If they don’t feel the same way is okay. They have their own life which they can choose the best for themselves. While I chose to entertain myself and show them my affection through those gifts and words and also my time. And I chose that way and so far, have and still satisfied about whatever I had committed myself to. So, whatever you decide for yourself, just make sure that you decide it logically too yeah.  


One thing I realized though that these girls are genuinely happy when I did that to them. Even the girl that I spent time with when I was having vacation in Canada. She spent her time cooking for me breakfast, lunch and sometimes dinner. She called me to her place. So, when I gave some stuffs to her or pay for our lunch and dinner outside, it is like a give and take response. Like I think it is some kind of a human nature that they could feel that it is a genuine gesture, of course sometimes people probably might not even noticed what it is. It doesn’t matter.
​

So if ever you feel like making something nice to that girl you are interested in doesn’t matter at which level is your cooking skills, just do it! If you ever feel like you want to pay for her meals on that day, just do it! Because I feel like time is short. You will not know what will happen later or days after when the feelings faded or when there is no other time that you could do the same thing. Whenever you are doing these, for me I believe like, be at that moment and it is okay if she doesn’t feel the same way towards you. At least you tried. ​
Alright guys. I am gonna end this episode here. To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, it is now available in Amazon, Barnes and Nobles and other online bookstores. If you purchase directly from our website (www.winterscribbler.com), you will be getting the book at a better rate. Currently, we have a gift box which is called the book release package is already available for purchase in our website. 
​​​For the live recording of this podcast, pls visit our YouTube channel Winter Scribbler. The link to the video and the episode transcript is available in our website. 


To support us in creating more contents, be our patron and receive additional benefits with your membership such as free books from our publishing company, behind the scenes episodes, tutorials and many other benefits linked to our sister company, Grapholistic International.

At the meantime, I will see you in the next episode. Take good care of yourself. Bye.

​
To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, visit Amazon.com or www.winterscribbler.com  
You can also contact us for any feedbacks and questions at winterscribbler @ gmail.com​
TRAILER - Letters of a Thousand Speeches by S.Sulianah

INTRODUCTION TO SEASON 2 - EPISODE 3
PHYSICALLY CLOSE

This podcast episode is brought to you by Winter Scribbler Publishing. Where reality and imagination turn into delicate harmony of scripts and illustrations. 
​​Visit www.winterscribbler.com for collections of books, poetry and graphics by diverse talents of artists and writers. ​
​
Hi Everyone! Welcome back! This time I am trying to take the risk of talking about this certain part in this episode, which is about physical closeness, a much more further in depth descriptions. I have been contemplating whether to talk about this topic initially. But because it is kind of a big part of the storyline in this poem, for this time, I am taking another risk to talk about this.

I believed physical closeness is an important factor in any type of relationships or for this case whenever we are attracted to a person. By the way, in my podcast, I am not able to tell you what to do and what not to do when you are dating or flirting because I don’t think I am experienced or knowledgeable in that area to give professional suggestions.

You can actually surf in the internet. There are a lot of other YouTubers and Podcasters who are very good at this. In fact, I myself will look into their videos whenever I need more information.  You can check out some of my favourite Youtubers, Rose and Rosie, Alexis and Lillian, Cammie Scott, Amy Ordman and many others for anything related to WLW relationship.​​
​
POEM/EXCERPT FROM LETTERS OF A THOUSAND SPEECHES​
I have never stood still staring at someone else like how I did yesterday with you. You were on your motorbike, riding in the lot, passing among the others, making your gorgeous self-known to everyone.
​
My heart stopped beating.
​
I could not stop smiling the whole time since you arrived.
Surprisingly, my brain and the blood pumping to my heart could still function the whole time my eyes were fixated on you.
​
You never stopped smiling after you got off from your bike with grace.
When you walked toward us, I had to stop holding my
breath to revive my whole being again.
​
That beautiful, dimpled smile of yours. You looked so
beautiful under the dim streetlight. Charming and stunning.
 
That smile could probably warm anyone from the cold winter.​​
To be physically attracted to someone is not unusual. But what about when something else in your body felt different. The first time I have felt this was during one of those nights we went out together. Holding hands, brushing fingers, standing so close were and are still common which I feel like I will do with friends who I am comfortable with but most of the times are with those I am interested in.

But with her, it was something else.

I remember that night clearly. And I could still remember how she would smile while she was on her yellow motorbike. That was the first time I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I didn’t even say hi to her when she approached me because I was enticed by her eyes looking at me. She didn’t even look at her friend who was standing beside me.

And then throughout that night, we sat so close together while we were entertained by the live music at Timbre.

This same feeling and moment occurred very often whenever I was with her. I will hold her hand whenever I had the chance to even though at times I will control myself in case it will be uncomfortable for her.

So, what I realized is that our physical touches usually happen naturally. We still continued the same even though once or twice, it seems like she did not like it when I am too close to her. So, when someone is not comfortable, you have to learn to distance yourself. Like learn to read the room and what are the responses by the person you are with. I feel like this is important to just make sure that we are not selfish and not making others feel uncomfortable around us.


I did speak to a friend about this like Harry and a few others who are straight. Harry told me that if this happened between him and a girl, it is very much clearer, and he wonders why it is so complicated for us. He meant it in a good way though because when he is with girls he went out for a date with, they showed signals and it meant what it is. I also took the opportunity to ask my friends who are women similar questions whether do they hold hands like that with their closest gal friends? Whether they behave the ways I explained to them. And their reply were normally like “No”. They are close in some way but they don’t hold hands like that. Actually, neither do I with my friends. The only ones I did hold hands very long like how I did with this girl I am talking about could be like 2 or 3. Not as often. Maybe like once in a blue moon when we are playing around or kidding around. So, yeah.​
​
POEM/EXCERPT FROM LETTERS OF A THOUSAND SPEECHES


We left you behind. I heard you whispering, like pleading behind me.
I gave up my egotistical view of the possibilities of why you disappeared these past years. I turned to you, held your back and let you walk ahead instead.
 
My core throbs
Thinking of that moment.
​

This podcast episode is brought to you by Winter Scribbler Publishing. Where reality and imagination turn into delicate harmony of scripts and illustrations.​
And only recently, whenever I imagined myself with her, I knew this is not only about me interested in her. I want her in many other ways.  It became more intense after that night in the rooftop. Okay, imagination is one thing which we all can be fantasizing, but when it happened in real life, that is another story. What do you have to do? How do you have to react? Should you play hard to get? Do you have to remind yourself what if she breaks your heart again? The impact of that one night makes a lot of difference on how I handle things. That is one way I learnt.


So, those physical touches, like what I had said is very significant in a relationship. But how about text messages that you sent to each other? Those texts not only about how are you, but also sharing photos of what both of you are eating, what you are cooking. It is not once in awhile, it is very often.


How about making you feel special, inviting only you to her home and cook for you, chatting until 1.30am, and finding reasons to meet? And those kinds of actions are those that can be confused between being attracted to romantically and whether these are just what friends do with each other.
​​So, what I would like to say here is that, these moments that happened could be as what it is. Like if you ever experienced the same thing, you will be wondering how to differentiate it and limit yourself from crossing the friendzone boundary.


But like I mentioned earlier, physical touches are more important that it affects how we feel towards the other person and vice versa. We cannot control another person on how they behave towards us, like if you are angry thinking that “Hey if you are straight, don’t make use of the weakest link to make me get attracted to you”. Or “Hey, if you are married or have a boyfriend, pls don’t act like that with me”. What I can say here is it is not easy to tell that to people. One for sure we have no idea what they are thinking or feeling. Second, maybe for them the physical touches are just what friends do or affection towards friends in which this is kind of normal sometimes. Thirdly, since we cannot control others, we have to learn to control ourselves especially the part to stand back up again once you fall.


Don’t ever let yourself think that you are not worth it. If that someone says to you, “No I don’t feel the same way” or “I am actually tensed when I am with you.”

Oh wait, just a few days ago I just realized something. Someone did say that to me before and I wonder why? Cos I am known as the most calmest person. My friends always told me that. Even if I have presentation in class or even when have my first sales meeting with a minister from Indonesia, I was so cool. I managed to handle my nerves discreetly. Then I realized something after binge watching tiktok videos and Blackpink video diaries. Suddenly this thing came into my mind. Ah if someone is tensed when they are with you, could it be butterfly in the stomach? Like how I always do when I have a date with the girl I like, or a lunch appointment with my best friend whom I am interested in.

So… this is how you manage and pull yourself back up OK. I mean, I am not sure about my analysis whether it is correct, but with that kind of answers at least it will brighten your day.


You know, normally heartbreak is difficult, ok. But remember there are so many other interesting things to do in this world than just that. There are other beautiful, smarter, more breath-taking women out there who could be that one person. If that girl you like has no interest in you and don’t value you, remember that valuing yourself is more important. Not only now. But for the next 1 or 2 months, a year later, three years later and so on.


But of course, there is a limit though. Once they started to kiss you, specifically on the lips, or do other things with you that you don’t do with your friends, and then ended up saying that they actually don’t feel the same way, then all these conditions does not apply anymore. Then we have to talk about this in a different perspective. I mean emotionally you deserved to be furious about that. Other than that, I would suggest like a friend, you manage this wisely.
​​

I have so many questions before I wrote the ending of this book. Questions to myself whether I am imagining things. Whether I had overanalysed and therefore misinterpreting everything just because I like her differently. I have even looked it up in internet to find out about the answers. One was a video by Alexis and Lillian and another is an article that it is common for people to overanalysed when they like someone although actually it might not mean anything on the perspective of the other person.


So, Alexis and Lillian’s video struck me more because it was the exact scenario I had with her. That night at the rooftop bar. When a friend you like, is drunk and do all those things to you, it doesn’t mean they are interested in you. Yeah very disappointing. When they are straight, they are straight. It does not mean they are not straight even though their actions looked like they aren’t. Those are the advice that were hard for me to accept but I did keep it in my mind over the period. I shared this video to Harry and he was shocked too that the scenes were so accurate.

Sometimes the hardest thing to decide especially is when there is that hidden desire that you know you do not mind if it is with her. When you realized that you started to look at her in a way that she is not just a friend.

Then you started to imagine how her hair would feel like twirled on your fingers. You want to know what her eyes colours are. You want her to hold your hand tight when you are in the train ignoring any glances and perceptions. You will be asking yourself why you want to know why her lips is now fresh pink compared to seven years ago. You hated it when she sent to you pictures but on the other hand you want her to stop sending you pictures of her posing with her coffee cup which she always placed on her long slender bare legs. And then, you want to know why she always appear in your dreams.

Sometimes, the answers to these questions are right in front of us. How we interpreted it would be actually up to us.​
I would like to end this episode with this letter in Letters of a Thousand Speeches.
​
POEM/EXCERPT FROM LETTERS OF A THOUSAND SPEECHES​
I miss you. That is the only thing that came to my mind in the past few days. 
For the first time ever, I could not hold hands with this friend of mine whom you had asked for my address. Both of us are usually physically close. Holding hands comes naturally when we are together. It does not matter whether she is with her partner or not. But yesterday, I could not. We held hands, but I felt like mine could only do so for a few seconds. There is this energy that is repelling us. I could feel she noticed it too.​
I gave it another chance at another moment, but the same thing happened. I had to let it go.
Is it because of you? Truly, this has never happened before.​

​
To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, visit Amazon.com or www.winterscribbler.com  
You can also contact us for any feedbacks and questions at winterscribbler @ gmail.com​
​
Meanwhile Guys, I would like to end this episode here. Thank you once again for listening. Continue exploring and never give up in anything you are doing.
​For the live recording of this podcast, pls visit our YouTube channel Winter Scribbler. The link to the video and the episode transcript is available in our website. 

To support us in creating more contents, be our patron and receive additional benefits with your membership such as free books from our publishing company, behind the scenes episodes, tutorials and many other benefits linked to our sister company, Grapholistic International.

I will see you in the next episode. Take good care of yourself. Bye.